What is mindfulness, you ask? Well, I was introduced to mindfulness in 2013 when I was studying violin at the Guildhall School of Music & Drama in London. I'd seen some flyers around advertising an evening of mindfulness and performance anxiety reduction, and as I have a mind, I perform, and I experience anxiety, I seemed like the ideal demographic.
So I arrived with a yoga mat and zero expectations, which was good as after introducing ourselves and saying what we hoped to achieve (I remember being shocked that someone in the room described her anxiety keeping her from sleep...how young and innocent I was - I just wanted my bow to be a bit steadier in auditions), we spent ten minutes eating a raisin. Not just eating, mind, but examining its every wrinkle, feeling the texture against our thumbs and fingers, biting off a small piece and feeling its texture in our mouths, chewing very slowly, swallowing attentively, and repeating until the raisin had disappeared. I recall resting between bites, as though I had accomplished some great feat, and I suppose it was a great feat of focus.
Then we did a guided body scan. The presenter (with a soothing English accent, less surprising given that we were in England, but still quite affective and effective) had us lie down on our mats and examine the sensations in our left big toes, then the next toe, then the next, and so on up through the ankles and shins and knees and through the entire body. This took about 40 minutes, and we finished to the sound of gentle snoring of a few students who had fallen blissfully asleep.
I wasn't sure quite what had happened, but I knew I was pretty chilled out.
I took a train to Liverpool the next day for an audition. I downloaded the body scan onto my phone and did one on the train and another in the hotel room the morning before my audition. I played a fantastic audition, got a trial, and a few months later got a job with the first fiddles of the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra.
At that point, I figured I had mastered mindfulness, and also the violin, and perhaps even life generally, so I sailed off into the future without considering the possibility of continuing mindfulness.
Fast forward to 2016. I am living in London again, freelancing on the violin and working at Encore, a tech startup, having experienced lots of personal growth (i.e. working through heartbreak, confusion, depression) and rather annoyed that any time I try to sit down and have a cheeky ale in my sunny garden I have this feeling of anxiety as though I should be doing something productive. So I decided to go back to mindfulness.
What follows is my still-unfolding story of my experience of mindfulness with the following Life Events: performing so many concerts in a week you think you might explode, performing so few concerts in a week you have to shop at Tesco instead of M&S (for America, substitute Kroger for Whole Foods), spending more time travelling than on-stage, dealing with all of the annoying people who stand in your way at the train station (while of course never standing in the way yourself), keeping calm while trains magically disappear from the London Bridge platform (seriously, why haven't we faced the fact that aliens are stealing the trains?), not having time to practise, having time to practise but no motivation, having motivation to practise but no time, and having no time or motivation but a definite need to practise, investing time in stretching and taking care of my body, accepting that nagging, nameless anxiety that comes up whenever I am quiet enough to let it through, and generally just living the 21st century life of a musician and entrepreneur.
Disclaimer: I have begun practising mindfulness again for 5 days now (I have a chart on my wall). I aim to do a 10 or 20 minute meditation session each day. My track record in such endeavours suggests that I will do this for about three more days and then fall off the wagon and start watching Full House on Netflix. This blog is an attempt to keep me honest as well as to delight, amuse, entertain, and possibly edify you, my dear reader. If I do fall off the wagon, I apologise for the wasted effort you have undergone in reading this blog post.
So you do not feel you have entirely wasted your effort, here is a picture of some puppies.
I am an Irish-American violinist living in Cambridge, UK. I perform with the Philharmonia, the Orchestra of the Age of the Enlightenment, and many other top groups, and am also the Business Developer for Encore Music and am on the Makers Academy course for programming.